[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
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I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
From my Mom
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520