@PanicRestroom: Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
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@JohnLyonTweets: Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time? Me: Wow, they weren't kidding about that permanent record thing.
@Mr_DrinksOnMe: The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum. They're the Tolkien white guys.
@ilovepie84: I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
@copymama: A Parenting Mad Lib: Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!