Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
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[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.