Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
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Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
R.I.P.
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics