@WhatevaConc: Before saying anything like "you have really soft hands for a man", just be like so goddamned sure they're a man.
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@hell_homer: This is your brain: [hippo standing in a field] This is your brain on twitter: [100s of people surround the hippo patting it rhythmically]
@Reverend_Scott: Dog 911: what's ur emer- Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME Dog 911: so? Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE Dog 911: OMG Dog: OMG
@djdarrellripley: Her: Oh, please... You'll make a pass at anything in a skirt. Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!