@WhatevaConc: Before saying anything like "you have really soft hands for a man", just be like so goddamned sure they're a man.
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@LoveNLunchmeat: No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I'd eat a wizard.
@SardonicTart: Fun prank. Tell your bf you're getting your hair done. Leave. Don't get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
@ArfMeasures: GF: What's my biggest flaw? ME: You haven't got any, you're perfect, I love you GF: No come on, I mean pacifically ME: We should split up
@chuuew: [in bed] ME: [turning off table lamp] I've finally finished my book WIFE: What happened in the end? ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree