Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
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a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special