@WhatevaConc: Before saying anything like "you have really soft hands for a man", just be like so goddamned sure they're a man.
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@sirivan: There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing. Except for a broken foot. Then you should see a doctor.
@CaseyMichelle__: Just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes walking through the kitchen. Clearly my dog isn't doing his part of the chores around here
@TheMichaelRock: Coworker: Why don't you chat with us in the kitchenette in the morning? Me: Because I'm not paid to be your friend & you say kitchenette.
@DaddyJew: Interviewer: may we contact your previous employers? [cut to the giant grave in the desert where I buried them all] Me: lol you could try