Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
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My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
idk what this dog had been going through but same
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks