Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
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My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
me and the Superbowl rn
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.