@booyahchadly: Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
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@ArfMeasures: DENTIST [nods at my son] He did so well, do you want a sticker for him? ME: Yeah, sure [home] WIFE: Where's Harry? ME [smoothing sticker down on my shirt] the dentist offered a trade
@mommy_cusses: When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
@flashember: *caterpillar looks up at sky* "My dream is to fly a plane one day." Other Caterpillar: You don't pay any attention in science class, do you?