Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
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“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
Cinematography is my passion
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.