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Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
uncle dave has been through hell
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
It鈥檚 fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I鈥檇 never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there鈥檚 more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
You are not alone 馃挌
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
I don鈥檛 personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
Can鈥檛 afford the chiropractor so I鈥檓 just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
If you know a girl who uses metric I鈥檇 love to meter.
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I鈥檓 playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
can鈥檛 wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
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Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.