Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
You Might Also Like
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
*ernest hemingway voice*
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go