[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
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Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
Before & after 😅
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
My dog learned how to text
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout