@KenJennings: Before the Internet, I guess I just assumed all my friends knew how to spell "definitely."
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@TheCatWhisprer: I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
@OhNoSheTwitnt: What do you call the yellow ones? -Yellow labs. And the black ones? -Black labs. So the brown ones are- -No we named those after dog poison.
@JimmerThatisAll: I've been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I'll be damned if I'm going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
@ArfMeasures: SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw* CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That's him!