Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
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Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
his wife is probably gonna see that
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up