Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
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How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket