Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
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My beach vacation Google searches
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
Me irl
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…