Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
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Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
Had an epiphany today.
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne