Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
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My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
Breaking news:
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.