[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
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british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome