@amishschool: Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
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@CoopSoSarc: Daughter yells "I love bananas, the bigger the better". Wife and I laugh hysterically, Then I die a little inside.
@mattZillaaaa: My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
@Hormonella: So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she's a "saint" but when I put a dish towel on MY head I'm "drunk in the kitchen again?"
@XplodingUnicorn: Priest: Dying people are drawn toward a bright light. Do you know what that proves? Me: Dying people are moths?