@amishschool: Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
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@brookeisgolden: An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time. The bartender says, "I'm gonna need to see your cardigan."
@LoveNLunchmeat: Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
@Adam14: My wife doesn't have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I'm not allowed to run away with