Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
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*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
Always the camel, never the toe.
Living the best life.. 😊
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom