Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
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i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please