Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
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If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
#Caturday
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
Deer are just ballerina dogs
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
my sentiments exactly
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed