My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
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My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
Order here:
More here:
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
get you a girl who
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk