Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
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The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
I’m giving up for Lent.
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?