Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
You Might Also Like
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache