my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
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I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”