Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
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Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party