Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
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Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be