there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
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I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
People buying plungers never look happy.
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.