I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
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Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
Nothing.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.