@JulianLeeComedy: Before you abduct someone do you have to fill in a chloroform?
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@Mr_Kapowski: Hair Stylist: What are we doing today? Me: Let's do something that will look great here but I'll have no chance of replicating at home
@BlazedDonuts: The Walking Dead reminds you that other people would still be your biggest problem even if most of them died.
@mamatomy3: My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
@JiminyKicksIt: Interviewer: "So, where do you see yourself in 5 years?" Me: "My biggest weakness? Probably not listening properly."