Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
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Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
Venn
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer