Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
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I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
me linking you to my twitter
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
I have two kinds of followers
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
The “research” scene in every horror movie