Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
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me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
Still cracks me up
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I know
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year