@YoungNobler: Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
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@dave_cactus: ME: I'll have the chicken dinner. WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick. ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
@ibid78: I just got an eyelash in my eye and I'm yelling at it cuz it's supposed to prevent this shit from happening like, "YOU ONLY HAVE ONE JOB."
@dxblarssonENG: Teenage daughter called me an old fart. We both laughed and then I changed the password to our wifi.