Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
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whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
Where’s my employee discount too?
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
Feels like the fourth month in January
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.