Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
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one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill