*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
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me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
Childbirth is so beautiful
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward