Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
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That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
2 years later
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
choose your fighter
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
Mornin
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.