Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
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picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?