Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
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My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie