“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
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“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
Hey i am sexy to you now
This a good idea
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
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Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”