We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
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A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.