It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
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When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes