@juliussharpe: Before you get married ask yourself: is this the person you want to watch stare at their phone the rest of your life?
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@junejuly12: “Settle in, get comfy, hope your phone is fully charged and you have snacks” Translated from “be with you shortly”
@tsm560: [in bed] Her: Easy, cowboy. I'm not having unprotected sex. Me: No worries! Her: Where are you going? Me: To lock the front door. Her: ...
@bobbiejo448: I love how all the characters in kids shows are always SO thrilled while at work. Like Bob never gets pissed over a missing screwdriver.
@AbrasiveGhost: GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS! GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.