@juliussharpe: Before you get married ask yourself: is this the person you want to watch stare at their phone the rest of your life?
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@markydoodoo: *strums guitar* This is a little ditty I've been working on called "Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies" Hope you like it.
@jus4golf: Found my first gray pubic hair. The people in line with me at the market were not nearly as impressed as I was.
@nPhelendriqal: Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as "Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang."
@ericsshadow: [at my high school reunion] Hey guys, remember last year when we toilet papered Mrs. Krebb's house? "Dude that was in 1991."