@juliussharpe: Before you get married ask yourself: is this the person you want to watch stare at their phone the rest of your life?
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@dubstep4dads: Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral Friend: what? that's not a giraffe Me: sorry I'm on drugs at your grandmas funeral
@ThaJawn: *sees neighbors bringing in KFC *knocks on door Have you seen my dog she got out *teary eyed Neighbor: Aw. No, but if there's- Some KFC?