@sarcasticmommy4: Before you have kids, practice yelling "GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!" & see if it's right for you.
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@AristotlesNZ: Cop failed me on the sobriety test even tho I not only touched my nose like he asked but went on & totally nailed the rest of the macarena.
@Emma_HumbleBea: When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It's a, "shit and run".
@Brampersandon_: [office meeting] BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs? SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y'all lookin' at me?
@TheAlexNevil: 6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me? *I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can't remember my son's name