Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
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[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
Was it something I said?
This might be the funniest tweet ever
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Only a mother’s love …