Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
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A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
Bro what is this
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
Battery falling down a hole
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?