@welone1: Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She's a mile away and you've got her shoes.
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@JoParkerBear: Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
@AndyAsAdjective: "any ideas?" let's tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings "whoa whoa whoa, let's not get carried away"
@DranoRaul: People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date: 1) out in the open 2) where I last left it
@FrenulumBreve: [Man in restaurant] I'll have that lobster please. *points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*