Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
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Pat is about to own someone
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.