@PeterKlesken: Before you marry a person you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.
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@dreamthievin: No clean Tupperware today, so I brought my yogurt to work tied up in a condom. No longer allowed to use the employee fridge.
@rockymomax: [me as a disc jockey] me: call in with any requests *phone rings* me: you’re on the air caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
@robdelaney: Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
@aplethoras: me: why do i feel terrible brain: coffee is not a food group brain: eat a vegetable brain: sleep me: guess we'll never know brain: oh my god