Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
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I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
This woman is my idol. Free her.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…