When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
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What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
who did the taste test?
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”