Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
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accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.