Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
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A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.