Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
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This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.