friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
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[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a